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I feel like I'm stuck. I can't let go and truly grieve, because there's just no time between work, caring for the kids, more work, training the dog to listen when she is off leash, school help.... Basically, life.

I want to just get it all out. Sit and cry until I am an exhausted swollen mess with no more tears left. I can't do that around the kids because we're working so hard on Wyatt's anxiety the last thing he needs is to be worried about me. I also know that it doesn't work like that, having gone through my dad's death and grandma's. It can't be tidied up into a nice little package and shelved forever. I know it will come in waves and stages but it's just that big release I'm still waiting for. Three weeks seems so long to not have had my grieving wail. And as much as I would love to take more time off work, that doesn't pay the bills.

Speaking of work. Today after getting bitched at as soon as I walked in the door (and almost as a result turning on my heel and walking out the door and going home), I realized I can't do this any more. The whole Sunday thing and feeling disconnected from the church, plus not earning enough... I need to seriously start looking for more and better work. Especially if I want to take this trip for the photography workshop in Santa Barbara that I won a seat in at the end of October. I need some writing or editing work I can do on the side in the evenings while I rework my resume and start the real "grown up" job hunt.

So. I guess I have to wait till my next day off, which is Tuesday before I can try and break this blockage. I think I will feel a lot better, and a lot less guilty.


I'm Just a Girl...
...I fully believe in setting impossible goals, because they can stretch our capabilities and help us avoid complacency. Further, ambitious goals require us to make certain sacrifices, and this can lead to great rewards." Lawrence Chan, Social Media Marketing for Digital Photographers.

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