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I can't stop thinking about this little boy Vondrae. I think about him when I walk the dog and go by the creek. I can't even look at the water. I think about him when I go by the memorial set up at the park. I think about him randomly, and my heart is so heavy. Editing photos all day is all I could do to keep myself distracted.

It's unfair. So unfair. Children dying is the one thing that shakes my faith. Drowning to me, is the most frightening way I can think besides burning, to die. And he was alone. It's awful. It's stirred up feelings about my own brother's death and I want to just run away from all the thinking about death. Especially this sort of senseless, preventable death.

I'm going to hold my boys close when they come back. And try to remember how suddenly it can all end.

a tragic day

Today a little boy, only 6 years old, fell into the creek at the park across from my house. In the half hour from when his mother called the police, to when they found him face down, it was enough time for him to succumb. Seeing him airlifted out of the park, then seeing the police wheel this kids bike from near the creek, my heart just stopped. I keep seeing the bike. It makes me think of my own brother dying, but it also makes me think about how lucky I am. How extremely lucky I am that my kids are alive, and well.I can't help but wonder where the mother was, why I didn't hear anyone calling this little boy when she was supposedly looking for him. I was home, sick on the couch. I would have heard someone shouting looking for a child. Why he wasn't at school? It if he was home sick, why was he outside at the park? Who lets a 6 year old go to the park alone? If he got out of the house why did it take so long for her to start looking? This same child, the most heartbreaking part of the story is, he was the same child who just this past summer nearly died of drowning in a pool. He was in a coma for a month. I can't help but think if my child had spent a month in hospital in a coma, I wouldn't let him out of my sight. I would have watched him. My heart is breaking though for the guilt this mother feels. The same questions I find racing through my mind, as an unrelated adult to this child, she will have to live with for the rest of her life.That horrible realization that she had a second chance with her baby, only to have him die of drowning again. Oh my God I can't even imagine.So today was full of rain and grey skies, and the tragic death of a little 6 year old boy. He died all alone and he shouldn't have even been near that swollen creek, never mind facing that awful death alone. My heart is in pain. If my kids were here right now, I would be hugging them close.

Here is a link to the news story if the video doesn't show.


I feel like I'm stuck. I can't let go and truly grieve, because there's just no time between work, caring for the kids, more work, training the dog to listen when she is off leash, school help.... Basically, life.

I want to just get it all out. Sit and cry until I am an exhausted swollen mess with no more tears left. I can't do that around the kids because we're working so hard on Wyatt's anxiety the last thing he needs is to be worried about me. I also know that it doesn't work like that, having gone through my dad's death and grandma's. It can't be tidied up into a nice little package and shelved forever. I know it will come in waves and stages but it's just that big release I'm still waiting for. Three weeks seems so long to not have had my grieving wail. And as much as I would love to take more time off work, that doesn't pay the bills.

Speaking of work. Today after getting bitched at as soon as I walked in the door (and almost as a result turning on my heel and walking out the door and going home), I realized I can't do this any more. The whole Sunday thing and feeling disconnected from the church, plus not earning enough... I need to seriously start looking for more and better work. Especially if I want to take this trip for the photography workshop in Santa Barbara that I won a seat in at the end of October. I need some writing or editing work I can do on the side in the evenings while I rework my resume and start the real "grown up" job hunt.

So. I guess I have to wait till my next day off, which is Tuesday before I can try and break this blockage. I think I will feel a lot better, and a lot less guilty.

RIP Wade

(Contains some swearing, in the music and some footage)

Oh, my baby brother, how I will miss your goofy antics, smile and warm, big hugs.
I'm mad that i didn't get enough time with you, nor did your amazing nephews. I'm mad that we were so close in geography this past year but never seemed to find time to connect.

My heart is broken and will take a long time to not feel so deeply this loss.



So yesterday morning we got a message that there was a family interested in meeting Xena because they wanted a companion for their elder dog. Bully Buddies needed to know if we intended in keeping her (we had tossed the idea around but had to work out the finances).

When I told the kids, Ben said we have to keep her and Wyatt sobbed at the idea of losing her. So, that was that. I texted my contact person at BB and said we wanted to keep her. I mean cause guys look at this:

My contact texted me this:
I spoke with Sam - our head coordinator and founder of BB - and she has agreed that we would be happy to cover Xena's meds for one year. :) Also, there would be no adoption fee. Hoping this will make it a bit easier financially anyways! We would be more than thrilled for her to be able to stay with your family. :)

I said- yay!!! We would love that!

She said- Awesome! I will let the other family know that she is officially spoken for and off the market! :) So cute about her playing sad-face when you left....she is definitely attached to you as "mom"!

And also- http://instagram.com/p/cDTplAHaEq/

So. Xena is home for good. <3

Double digits

Exactly ten years and one and a half hours ago I was staring down in awe, at my gorgeous black haired beauty Wyatt, after a short but fierce, healing experience birthing him in the safety of our home.

Ten years. Where did that decade go...
From this...

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Happy double digits to wyatt.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Some guy emailed me asking for pics of my passat. So I sent him pictures of you know my VW, diesel, 1996 wagon, that I paid $5000 for last year, and dude emails me back telling me that I'm asking way too much the car is only worth $1000!!!! Hahaha. Okay....

I'm asking $4000. He had the nerve to apologise for the low offer. My engine is in immaculate condition, the previous owner was a certified diesel mechanic and I have all the service records.

So I guess that's a no I'm not interested?
This is she:

But, I still need to sell her. I need to downsize. Know anyone who is looking for a diesel wagon that gets 750km to a tank (1000 on the hwy)?

Or...where I can find $1000 to insure her? :(

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

measure day....

Saturday was my binge day. I didn't do it completely right, like I didn't do the exercises before the big meals, and I didn't drink any grapefruit juice. But I ate what I wanted after a good protein filled breakfast.

Am taking a regimen of anti oxidants- garlic extract, green tea extract, alpha lineolic acid, and at bedtime policosanol.

Started with walking along the sea wall while I recovered from my cold. Today Wyatt and I started with a bit of zumba just to get a feel for it (I totally sucked, omg)

So drum roll.....

Today- weight no change. Maybe a pound but i won't be able to tell till I get a digital scale. No fat test yet either.

Waist- 36.5
Hips- 45.5
Left thigh- 24
Right thigh- 24
Right arm- 13
Left arm- 13
total inches= 156

Last week total inches= 160.5
Loss= 4.5!!!!!!!

Now I want to kick it up, seeing that. Wow. I honestly was starting to think, nah....especially after weighing myself this AM.

Woot! Exercise, ready, hyper drive, go!

day 3 & 4

I only had a couple slip ups. Minor ones. One was last night at my friend's while watching the HOCKEY GAME (!!!!!!!) . Had some coke, small bowl of plain chips and a square of 85% Lindt chocolate.

Anyway, I've been eating tons of salad, avocados, beans, chicken, and i've been making sure to consume some fermented food with lunch and dinner either via kimchi or sauerkraut (traditional, not vinegared).

Now that I am done with the cold, yay, I am going to start with the Zumba. I'm going to look ridonculous but whatever. I have to gear myself up for the Insanity.....scared, so scared........

Didn't take pics of the meals but so far, so good. Satisfying and filling. I even avoided the scones at work that were calling me. Literally. They were saying, Tracie.....eat us. We know you love us.......

I have so much more to say, that isn't related to this, but I am so bagged and I have to deal with my poor little (not so little) Millie lizard, who has fallen fast asleep on the heating pad. And I have to work on my taxes.

I don't know where the tax fairy is. I really don't. Probably got lost in all this rain. Seriously. I have one week to get it done. Plus I have to edit the pics from this shootout:

The deadline to get images to all three couples and the one I want entered in the contest is tomorrow at midnight.

Add that to Mount To Do....

More later. To quote a sexy genius (and no I'm not talking about Nemoy)- "today I don't feel like doing anything....."

Starting from here

So I got Margaret to take pics of me yesterday. Ouch. They will serve as my reminder every time I want to sit on my ass or stuff my face.

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Stats as of yesterday.
Ht- 5'10"
Waist- 38
Hips- 46
Upper thighs- 25
Biceps- 13 one arm, 12.5 the other (weird hey?)
Body fat % estimation- 25-30%
Wt. this morning (first time on a scale in forever as I believe scales are evil)- 210

Goal- 30-40lb loss, 15% body fat, 2 sizes smaller, toned and fit body.

I borrowed some Zumba videos, and Insanity ( nived32 am I totally nuts?????)
I'll start with the exercises in the book and Zumba. Need to find or make a Kettlebell.

Sigh. It's time. My birthday is next week and I feel the 40s closing in on me. :(

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

...I fully believe in setting impossible goals, because they can stretch our capabilities and help us avoid complacency. Further, ambitious goals require us to make certain sacrifices, and this can lead to great rewards." Lawrence Chan, Social Media Marketing for Digital Photographers.

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